Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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