Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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