Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
