Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize