i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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