Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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