im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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