Moan for me like Helen Keller
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
