I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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