someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize