Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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