I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
