Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
In America we eat man semen.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
