strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Someone shattered a urinal.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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