I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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