Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
