It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Randomize
