I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
