your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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