My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
