The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
