I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
