Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
