she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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