Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
