More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
