Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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