i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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