i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize