the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
