Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Randomize
