Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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