I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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