oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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