Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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