What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
