last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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