I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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