she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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