Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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