I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
