is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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