were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
