Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
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