if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
It's blow job season.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
