My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize