all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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