Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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