i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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