saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
