a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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