Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
The adults are the big ones right?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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