I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
