My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Randomize
