I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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