I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
