She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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