I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
